Big White Room

my mind is overloading with thoughts of so many different things. i dont think i have ever screamed EFF THE WORLD so loud. when you need ppl, they arent there. when you think someone is there for you, they disappoint. when you think they finally come around, they remind you why you lost hope in the first place. when you put for effort, they shoot you down. when you reach out, they pull back. and when you finally decide to give up, they come around. its too late.

& its bold when ppl that arent THAT MUCH of a disappointment, disappoint you at the wrongest time. yes. wrongest. 

my dream was terrrrrrible. i had a dream that the ONE boy that i’ve been talking to forever— and not the couple-of-months or a few years type of forever, im talking 8 YEARS forever, anyway, one of closest friends “stole” him. and i was PISSED. like ready to snap necks. its a lot more involved in the dream. but earlier i was talking to my aunt and she was telling me a story about this little girl who’s mom left her dad to marry her dad’s cousin. WTFEEZY. thats just dirtttyy. & these ppl were in the church so its like are you serious. (btw the marriage hasnt failed surprisingly). then before i went to sleep i was texting my cheeseburger (the girl in my dream who took my man). so i find it kind of funny that two components of my day were compiled to form that crazy dream of mine. 

i also realize alot about myself in some weird way. i realized that if ANY of my friends EVER did something so reckless and disrespectful, their existence would disappear in my life. it wouldnt be a forgive and forget type of thing. only because when someone that close to you does something so heartless towards you, it changes your view of things. it makes you wonder “if this is what my friends do, what will my enemies do” alot of times situations like these totally change ppl for the worst (or worse? 0_o w/e) i would forgive, but i wouldnt forget, and i wouldnt have a thing to say to that person ever again in life. and as for the boy, i imagined myself cutting his dick off & setting a few things on fire. mostly body parts. anyway, i woke up pretty distraught because i would hope that none of my friends ever did that to me. 

then she tried to make excuses and explain and whatnot, YOU CANT EXPLAIN THAT. i was so mad lol. sent me their msgs and told me how it went down. it was a mess. every time i saw her at school “WHOOP THAT TRICK GET HER” would play in my head lol. smh. dont cross me, not in that way.

the biggest battle in life is the one within yourself. spiritually: the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, carnally: your heart says one thing, your mind says another. its a constant battle. one that will drive you crazy. 

currently its the same old “to text him or not to text him, that is the question” it gets old. why cant things be simple. everything is so complicated. 

its the worst when you KNOW whats best for you but you defy every ounce of common sense in you and do foolish things. then you’re left hurt and with no one to blame but yourself. but its human nature. we do foolish things. we live. we learn. we move forward. to another day of constant warfare within ourselves. whomp.

personally, i admire ppl who openly talk of their insecurities. i couldnt do it.